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Belief

I am extremely compelled to voice out my views here. It will be another post of verbal vomit, but ah fuck off. Seriously I don't get why the folks make such a fecking huge deal out of me forgetting something so minute and irrelevant to me. If I don't give a damn, you are encouraged to not to. I don't even believe in what you guys believe in. And the only argument the brother manages to pull out of the magic black hat this occasion, is just 'don't talk nonsense lah'. Honestly, I believe that what it actually is, is a figment of our imagination. Created to have someone rule over us, dominate us, so that we can take control of our lives. Similarly, a dominitrix (I don't know if I spelt it right.) is required for people of low self esteem to allow them to feel in control by being controlled. Hoho, the irony in things like such. It is simply a device required by us humans to heighten and increase our self confidence. Out blind and faithful obedience is what offends me so. What most do not comprehend is the fact that even a simple creation of the mind, complete reliance. In short, I DO NOT believe. Neither do I believe in miracles. But it's simply my opinion. Please disregard it if it offends you. But no seriously, if you hate it so much, simply do not proceed from the 'fuck off' portion of my post. Contrary to what your current thoughts may be, this isn't blasphemy. It is anger. Phrased in the simplest of words ever, exhausting all of me. It's simply emotions channelled through the simple medium of understating words.

And number one, I can't believe I really meant that little to you.

DREAMMMMMM

Ok I had the most bizarre dream ever. (no, zheru, it's not another Indian dream) it was about me and this pair of siblings, and we went out on a photohoot or something and then the thing was, technology was so advnced that we do not use cameras anymore but we depend on luck to have like the nicest photo imprinted on our bodies. And like the sister was a damn pretty person and the brother was mad hot (ok fine, he looked like Kevin) and then I had the nicest photo of dunno what a lavendar field on me and the sister saw it and suggested playing this stupid game which made me fall down and she accidentally stepped on the nice photo on me and had a fucking huge blue black on it which totally ruined it. And then the brother, being totally nice and hot and everything helped me up and carried me to my room (I had somehow developed a limp too) and then we started talking then dunno how he started suspecting that his sister did it deliberately and hahahha I don't remember oh yah wait he went to confront his sis and made her apologize and then ME AND HIM GOT MARRIED. ok fine this is not really that bizarre but it's nice finally to have a dream where I have like fucking good endings to my love life. It's gonna bug me like the dream of me and the paikia Jon and me and Alonso planting cabbages (don't ask).

'What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?'
'Straight?!?'

HAHAHAHAHAH.

Today Kevin came(: he looked cuter than ever. And Celine Foo AGREES THT HE IS HANDSOMEYAY!!!

Happy birthday simin(: I'm not gonna bother typing out your full name here. Heeeheeheehh! 

Simin: Oh I can play the song -insert random song name-
-starts playing-
No lah actually till chorus only lah
-continues-
Ok only one verse

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. 

Ok Jo was so nice today I shall blog about her. She couldn't meet me
after speech day. Which was quite a relief as I looked horrible in that monkey suit (band uniform). Wah I swear I almost died of shame. And laughter too when I saw mdm T in make up HAHAHA OMG blue eyeshadow to match her dress and FAKE EYELASHES. she looked like a friking tranny. Ahhh cheap thrill. Anyway so Jo said her present couldn't be kept until tomorrow so she asked for my
address and came allthe way to my house to pass me ok. THAT WAS THE NICEST THING SOMEONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME
I SWEAR. and she came with like six red and white helium balloons and one penguin head. Which I realised quite a long Ike later actually has a body. HAHA. I love helium balloons ok. Cuz I always want to suck the helium but somehow I never get to. The last time someone gave me a helium balloon as a bday present was last year. From erm well, yeah nicolenotthecousinnicole. Ugh. Ok this is my pathetic attempt at a happy post. And penguinenobody (no body) is now on the floor hahahha. Oops.

#1 When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.
#2 When she misses you, she’s hurting inside.
#3 When she says it’s over, she still wants you to be hers.
#4 When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
#5 When she stares at your mouth, kiss her.
#6 When she pushes or hits you, grab her tight & don’t let her go.
#7 When she starts cursing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her.
#8 When she ignores you, give her your attention.
#9 When she pulls away, pull her back.
#10 When you see her at her worst, tell her she’s beautiful.
#11 When you see her crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
#12 When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
#13 When she’s scared, protect her.
#14 When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
#15 When she steals your favourite jacket, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
#16 When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
#17 When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay.
#18 When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the truth.
#19 When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand.
#20 When she grabs your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
#21 When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
#22 When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
#23 When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
#24 Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
#25 Don’t let her have the last word.
#26 Don’t call her hot, but gorgeous or beautiful is so much better.
#27 Say you love her more than she could ever love you.
#28 Argue that she is the best girl ever.
#29 When she’s mad, hug her tight and don’t let go.
#30 When she says she’s OK, don’t believe it, talk to her about it, because 10 yrs later she’ll still remember it.
#31 Call her at 12:00am on special occasions to tell her you love her.
#32 Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
#33 Treat her like she’s all that matters to you.
#34 Don’t ignore her when she’s out with you and your friends.
#35 Stay up all night with her when she’s sick.
#36 Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
#37 Let her into your world.
#38 Let her wear your clothes.
#39 When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her
#40 Let her know she’s important.
#41 Kiss her in the pouring rain.
#42 When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; “Who’s ass am I kicking today baby?”
#43 After she reads this, she hopes one day you’d read it too.

10th april

Do you even remember what day today is? Seeing you only breaks my heart again. And honestly, if you don't love me anymore why can't you just tell it to me so I can give up hope once and for all? I'm so sick and tired of the scheming the hiding and the hurting. I've stopped the scheming a long time ago. But still, things never ever turn out right for me.

I've just took the extra strong cider in the fridge that was left open by bro, and I feel a little dizzy. But I like it. I'm gonna finish it soon. And the bottles so pretty! Ok actually it looks the same as any other bottle but I like glass stuff. And I have a weakness for bubbly yellow liquids inside (no, not pee). Ok I shall go finish it after I bathe. And Karl, if you want me to stop drinking your stuff, don't leave it open in the fridge. Oh and it was me who finished your barcadi that day. Sorry.

And I WILL learn alligater crawl and allegro con brio by the end of this year. ( I didn't say perfect it) but I will make myself play through it. I WILL I WILL I WILL. I will. Maybe. Okok maybe only allegro con brio. Alligator crawl is too fast and scary. BUT I WILL MASTER ALLEGRO CON BRIO. I swear I will.

New, all or nothing.

Zheru I broke the leg off our couple necklace. Too bad, creepy African man. Don't like him pls he gave Zheru a name but not me.

Ok starting anew I shall blog happy posts(:

3 more days though I don't know if you still remember. But I do.

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live
And somethin' somewhere's gotta give
A share in this relationship gets older, older

You know I'd fight for you but
How could I fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now
I want the best of you, I don't care if that's not fair

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are time it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it

Then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you could see
Those times I don't belive it's right I know it, know it

Don't make me promises baby
You never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you now
I want the best of you it's time to show and tell

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing

Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
Nowhere inside for me in your life

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never
Is it all?
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing at all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing at all

Birthday Girl

I really do not want tomorrow to come. It's these two hours which suck most. I do not want to know who WOULDNT be the first to wish me on the dot of 12am. It always made me feel good having this one person I knew would wish me happy birthday at 12 exactly. Kinda made me feel like cinderella and that the SMS is the one that that made me so happy I would glow and turn into the princess that I always wanted to be. But ah, I'm quite sure that no one will wish me on the dot. Maybe you will wish me, but not exactly the spilt second it turns tuesday, 6th April.

Ah, I have no Idea what I'm gonna wish for tomorrow. Maybe just for the dream of being happy. That has everything pooled together. Tomorrow I will be lonely girl. Tomorrow I will have band. Tomorrow I will have tears of joy or sadness, I don't know. Tomorrow I will have 2.4, I'm aiming for 14, which I know kinda sucks but wtv, im a fat pig, and I'm not nicole lim Xuan that sits at a bus stop during 2.4 and take half an hour to finish it. Tomorrow is my
motherfucking birthday.

P.s. Zheru, Nat, Desiree and Jocelyn. Please tell me the cake you guys are talking about blatantly on each others facebook walls isn't mine. I AM FACEBOOK ALIVE TOO, MIND YOU. hahah you guys suck. But I love you awh. With friends like these, who needs girlfriends that actually care?

TARTS

My new found craving and obsession with tarts. No, really tarts. Like the food. It looks so sweet and dainty. But it's quite gross tasting actually.

To keep the equilibrum in my life, i have a constant need to SMS frequently or I'll start tapping away on my notes into a blog post. Today te people that I smsed were mainly Celine and Jo. As usual. WAIT WAIT I MEANT SHERMAN omg Sherman sounds damn sexy I swear. Oh yah I still have your hairband. I'll give it back to you after you develop the photo in which you grabbed me and carried me up with your bony arms omg damn pain ok. Cuz I wanna see how unglam I can look. And the day after tomorrow is KEVIN DAY! omg can't wait. And for gods sake, Kevin is not the biggest loser one it's the damn sexy Kevin. Jo, if you come for
Sunday tuition you'd know what I mean alr.

I have a secret, I used to like flexing my thumbs cuz somehow when I don't do anything with my fingers it's starts to itch and I'll keep stretchig it till it hurts. And maybe that's why I love to play the piano so much. And I like being in charge. I like being the one in control. Strawberry fields forever. Ok imma go gave dinner now and go
watch a movie later. I hope that the person that will be watchig with me will shut up CUZ I HAVE HEARD HER VOICE FOR THE WHOLE DAY SO ANNOYING HAHAHAHA.

To my number one.

'I once called 56 Lauren Bells till I got the right one. My point is, if a guy wants to see you, he'll do anything to make sure of it.'

So maybe the reason you're not even trying means you don't want me. Simple as that. Don't say I didn't try. Everyone is convincing me to let go if it's not worth it. Shafena, Celine, Tiffany, Jorinda. So maybe you're not worth it. But please don't prove me right. 

I should:

-stop falling in love with you over and over again
-stop dreaming that one day you'd come and rescue me when I'm exceptionally low and grab me by the wrist and tell me you love me an make me feel like the happiest girl alive
-get over you
-finally understand that dreamers do not get far
-stop loving you
-stop moodswinging
-stop being indecisive
-stop getting jealous of every girl she hangs out with because I have to remember, I NO LONGER OWN HER
-be happy

Point number ten: stop dreaming.

I thought I got over you. But when I saw you today, it felt really really weird. And after a cacoon of self-denial, relevation dawns, I still love you. Alot. You were my friend, I loved you. You were mine, I loved you more. And now you're nothing more than a stranger, but I still love you. 

Oh god, what happened to moving on?
I can get through it, somehow. But I'll never, ever, get over it. 

I was scrolling through my blog and I realised it is lacking in colour and pictures! So tada! English is boring anyway!

AWWWWWWWWW LOVE U!

Oh te Ben and jerrys Ice cream cone part that had a sticky glue like thing there so me and Denise ate around it.

Hahaha is this the one you say you look like a tranny?

PICTURE NUMBUH ONE

PICTURE NUMBUH TWO

And no, we refused to stop here!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH EPIC I SWEAR HAHAHHAH

I MISS MY DADDY (JO)

Hahahah I was reading tiff blog and I thought of my almighty daddy. Wahlau I can't wait for this month to end so your phone bill won't kaboom anymore and can finally SMS.): HAHA AND OMG U HAVE THE WORST TASTE EVER! hahaha you were like 'eh u know my bball team got this hot bung.' or smth liddat. Then I was like WHOA cuz you said hot, and somehow I trusted your taste even though I shouldve known it sucked when you said you're a sexy bomb, so I had HIGH EXPECTATIONS. then wahlau whr got hot. Only damn cute only: but not hot. So far I don't really know any hot bungs other than one or two and AHEM JO, Jarren no matter what is a sexier bomb than u!

Ok bye! Hahaha random rant!

Happy Day Maximum

I swear life is getting better day by day. 

1.)Like today was so eventful (no, I'm not being sarcastic this time round). We had mass lecture which was realy fun. Like we took half a period to file IMO the auditorium and then when she was checking whether we were in out respective classes, all the other classes weren't. Except 3I, which went like 'yayyyy' in a damn lame an tired voice haha. And omfg TYH laughed hahah I thought her Botox was too taut.

2.) I stayed back for Chinese mock oral which when laoshi asked me how I did I went: 'erh, LIKE SHIT?' and she nodded like OMFG YOURE SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE ME.

3.) Had one and a half hour of band. WHICH WE PLAYED NICE SONGS. And it was fun staring at Alicia and Zealicia omg their expressions damn funny.

4.) Passed Celine her half her candy and she owes me sixty cents and out picture. YOU THINK YOU DAMN FUNNY ISIT? it's like she ask tiff to take and on three she freaking LIFTED ME UP AND CARRIED ME. I bet the pic damn unglam I HATE CHU. YOU THINK YOU BIG AH.

5.) Met Tiff and walked out to bus stop and made her miss 4 bus100s hahah. And when she finally was released, I missed another two and finally went home.

Cheap thrill. 

Random Verbal Vomit

Today was so eventful I went for chem and math tuition and I had lunch at subway like I always do every week and I bought candy from a cute guy at made in candy and I walked back for math after lunch and I almost got knocked down by a mysterious looking  black Lexus and then I walked found myself at starbucks which I then decided to buy a mocha frapuccino venti to award myself cause it's not every week that I get in contact with a mobile black Lexus and then after getting to tuition ten minutes late I started on my work then at 230 Kevin came which was a good thing cuz then I had an half hour of Kevin time and he sat beside me like he always does which is very cute and after that I left and went popular to get a orange pen and a grey marker and dawdled around for ten minutes then started walking to novena square to where I almost walked up an escalator of the wrong direction while replying Celine and then when I finally reached yami I bought a cup of regular peach with peach slices topping and then sat down and ate it slowly and I became a dinosaur and started to attempt terrorizing everyone but they started taking pictures of me and I as a dinosaur hated the flashes of light and ate everyone up and I turned back into a human and once again sat down to finish my yoghurt and then became a wadrobe because I am supposed to be happy and 'better off' this way and apparently should not miss my exgirlfriend that much even though today was copable cuz it rained and the entire day was awesome and if you know me well enough you should know I adore the rain while K abhors it that totally had no link but it was cuz I remembered that random SMS and Celine just called me a niaosai which I assume is birdshit haha awesome.

Today was such an exciting day. I can't wait for boring unattached accident prone Kevin filled Sunday number two.

Ps, sarcasm is not for the intellectually challenged.  

My Number One

Me: I know I was quite a bad...
Jo: No, you weren't bad...YOU WERE TERRIBLE.

Thanks ah wahlau rly man HAHAHA. That totally made me laugh alot I swear.

P.s. I'm not happy. But if you're happier this way like you said, I'm happy for you. That's a type of happiness too right? I miss you. A whole great deal. But I guess when you said we'll be better off this way, you meant it. So maybe you are. And I'm happy, really. I will always love you. I will fight. But I'm really tired. I've been fighting non-stop for awhile now. And I'm not even sure of myself. I guess me saying that I'll change is not worth anything anymore. So long, my luckless romance. 

Me.

What I like:
1.) I like waking up, and going to the yard and realising it rained last night and having the cool wind blow into my face.
2.) Opening my eyes, and seeing my red dreamcatcher right above me.
3.) Lying on the bed, and playing solitaire on my phone till I fall asleep.
4.) Being randomly messaged by old friends and then having a good old long chat.
5.) Going out for coffee and chitchat with L when he comes back and realising I got over him totally.
6.) Having your name flash up on my phone.
7.) Being called silly by you. It makes me feel loved. Somehow.
8.) Realise the beatles have been playing overnight on my hi-fi set.
9.) Wake up and sit on my bed without getting up and staring out the window and just not thinking at all.
10.) Having days when I realise that the fact that I can still lead a normal life is itself a miracle.

What I dislike:
1.) Not being replied on smses.
2.) Waking up to realise I have no text messages from friends.
3.) Realising it didn't rain at all for more than three days.
4.) Waking up and not having all the time in the world to get up.
5.) Missing you.
6.) Feeling really silly.
7.) Waking up and thinking it rained overnight when actually I left the ac on.
8.) Realising that all the shit I do is catching up with me.
9.) Crying alone in my room having no one to give me a tight hug to make me stop.
10.) Having days when I can't hide anymore from what I am, and lead a life where I'm special. In the worst way.

I realise all the things I like involve waking up. And all of them made me think of you. This is stupid. And I have no idea why I do it. But, I miss being your priority.

But there you go, now you know me.

Ape

Random Word of the Day: Ape

How apt.

But too bad it doesn't mean anything anymore. I need a tight warm hug real bad. And maybe I should stop wishing it'll come from you.

Asexual Plants.

The only reason I never confided in you was because I was insecure. I was afraid that once you found out all my flaws and how fucked up I am physically and mentally, you wouldn't want me anymore. So I didn't. I kept it to myself till I couldn't take it and Jo and Sherman happened to be there. And you get jealous. I was insecure.

The only reason I didn't want to talk to you was because I was afraid that you wouldn't want to talk to me and it would end all awkward and you wouldn't want me anymore. I was insecure.

The only reason I wanted you was cause I loved you. And that, I assumed was enough and I ended up taking you for granted and going for back up plans in case you didn't want me anymore. I was insecure.

This is so fucked up. I am so fucked up. But seriously, when you do this to anyone again, instead of telling them 1.) We're not meant to be. 2.)We're not meant to be. 3.)We're not meant to be, you might want to consider, 1.) tell it to their face. 2.) tell them the truth. 3.) maybe it is your fault a little.

I'm staying away from love.

The only three times I've loved has me really tired and on the verge of breaking. Thank you Sherman, for getting me through this.(: I can't wait to get out of cedar and start a new life where no one knows me and where my existence in school politics is nonexistent.

I don't just want to fit it. I want to blend in. What's so bad about being normal?

Wonderland

Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice: I'm afraid so. You've gone entirely bonkers. But let me tell you a secret, all the best people are.

That's really sweet.

I'm really sorry I'm trying so hard but I think this isn't gonna work anymore. I feel guilty. I'm not going to patronize you by saying it's my fault. Cuz it isn't. It's yours. It's not my fault you wanted the best of both worlds. But it is my fault that I allowed this to carry on for so long. I feel bad. It isn't fair to her either. But somehow, I'm beginning to doubt even my own choices and moral values.