yes,i do love you. and yes, its in tht way. i understand that you dont really wanna know this. but somehow, i want you to. i know you may think its kinda gross, look at yourself. but i love you.
the days where such happiness existed and I was able to smile like my life wasn’t all fucked up and I wasn’t trying to be what I wasn’t seem unreal to me now. All of it seems like just a fleeting moment where I could lay my troubles out and share them with the entire world. Where someone could understand every word I really meant. Somewhen that know that when I say something like, I lost my flour, he’ll know that I meant I lost my grip on life. My grip on reality, and my grip on my sanity, or whats left of it.
Ever since getting into cedar, i‘ve blamed you for not helping me get out of it. Not letting me simply turn and run away. But I see that it couln’t have helped me at all. The very least was that it could delay the sadness and the hits.
Now when ever I’m alone, all I think of is how much has changed, how much I’ve loved and lost. How she unknowingly hit me in the face by trying to pretend. But I guess that’s why I like you. Cause you’re like me, trying to be something you’re not.
However, now I realize, its too late to turn back. You have your life, your love. You come and go. But do you realize what I’ll trade to be yours? Even just for a day?
All I have to say is that, me, krystal lim, has finally learnt how to love. But she just had to learn how to let go in the very same issue. I reckon that’s what I do, isn’t it?
just to be like you i try so damn fucking hard. i try to do what you will do. when i get into deep shit. i think, 'what would she do?' but then i recall we have different families, different lives. sometimes, i wonder if we both actually are humans.
life's so meaningless to me now i look back and think:'whats the point?' thinking with a sgred of hope i'll get an answer soon, while i actually know it'll never come. lives screwed cause i've got no fucking one to really lean to in times of trouble. no one to cry on when the tears just cant be held back any longer. band? i'm not in syf. the whole mothafucking section is in. i'm not. along with the worst player inside. i could've got in. but he just had to audition me at my worst. the practice was made all not worhtwhile. the way the juniors look at me? i hate it, i cant stand it.
i'll die. the conversation i wished i never saw keeps coming to smash me in the face like its mocking me. so fucking tiring i do not wish to recall. so irritating. thinking of the happy times i spent makes me realise how much i want to be a furniture in your crazy life. just someone you'll think off occasionaly. but it's actually impossible.
pino's the only actual thing that seemed real. made me feel like before, made me feel real and wanted. but now, with even a simple grade 5 failed, and a theory waiting to mock e with another failure, i dont think i'll actually have anything to grasp onto anymore. everything seems so fake. so unreal i dont even believe myself. i feel stupid and helpless. i dont even think i can do it. i used to take pride in piano. as the girl with the highest grade but after wasting 2 years failing and trying, makes me think what the point actually is. and i come up with an actual blank i dont even want to begin to fanthom how it'll be if i really fail.
and everyting adds up to aaron, how i've given up so much. spent so much time. and yet you still do it, over and over. it wasn't worthwhile after all.
