I am Us

It scares me how much of a hypocrite i can usually be, spewing words of spite and hate when all i actually amount to is nothing worth half of what they are. i don't know why it satisfies others to see people like me have a mental meltdown just because of one of the nitty gritty things they do to get at me or hurt me. contrary to what you think i actually don't want to be like others just so people can like me or even accept me for who i supposedly am. i dont give a flying fuck to whoever wants me to be just so they can be proud of their own success. their minds are so fucked up and defective it still scares me how much it affects and damages me somehow. but however i claim not to be bothered of their examination and their grading of me, i am still horribly succumbing to it, i am still condemned. they spend their time checking out on people's lives so fucking much they forget about their own, occasionally spewing words of spite mercilessly. they claim that people really aren't supposed to give a fuck to whether or not we are lesbian, gay or queer or whatever venacular you choose to use, but somehow, they still update their blog, they dont lock it, and blog posts of verbal vomit for people to read. i am contradicting myself this i know. i openly stated that i do not detest nor dislike you just because you are you. and the reason is because i think you are an actually nice person deep down inside and i actually want to be you more than someone who breaks rules, someone who does illegal shit just to gain attention. but here comes the age-old question, why can't i just be me? but something everyone actually fails to realise is that no one is actually ever unique (unless you study the specifics of dna and other else) no one is to be themselves. god built us in his image, so what makes you think you can be you when we follow god even in the manner we look like? i want to be unique, i want it so bad oh it hurts. thats also one of the contributing factors why i want to take music olevels, cuz i want to be unique. call me shallow, but thats who i am. and there we go again on that merry go round eventually bringing you to square one-who you are. you spend much of your whole like trying to be yourself when finally its too late, relevation dawns, you are nothing. you can spend your life studying so hard and working so hard that you and your job becomes one as a whole, but when you die or pass off, people grieve, but not long, they forget you, and you become one of the many names etched in the past which nobody gives a damn to look at or to be reminded of. but no matter how you have breakthroughs, epiphanies, you cannot change how the world is like, you conform to become one of them and soon enough you, too, become a victim of this phenomena. thats how the system carries on, thats how people manage to maintain the balance that exists to keep us in line and to save us from ourselves. you can never be yourself. and neither can you be them. and if you actually by some unphantomable miracle or unfortunate event, you manage to do so becoming one of them, you turn into a wannabe. and people maglign you of not having originality and being bad and all sorts of comments to hurt you and shoot down whatever confidence you have left in your self pitying self. its so hard to just simply live and breathe. every breathe i take now seems like a chore and every minute tucking past is really precious i finally understand. by tomottow i cannot appeal and all will be lost if i do not work hard. but there goes once and again, working hard for yourself or others, and for what? for survival you may simply spurt, but surviving for what when as i always said, death is all you life for. death is all you see at the end of the road no matter how interesting or beautiful the path is, we all end up at the same place.

we die. its as simple as it gets.