To my number one.

'I once called 56 Lauren Bells till I got the right one. My point is, if a guy wants to see you, he'll do anything to make sure of it.'

So maybe the reason you're not even trying means you don't want me. Simple as that. Don't say I didn't try. Everyone is convincing me to let go if it's not worth it. Shafena, Celine, Tiffany, Jorinda. So maybe you're not worth it. But please don't prove me right. 

I should:

-stop falling in love with you over and over again
-stop dreaming that one day you'd come and rescue me when I'm exceptionally low and grab me by the wrist and tell me you love me an make me feel like the happiest girl alive
-get over you
-finally understand that dreamers do not get far
-stop loving you
-stop moodswinging
-stop being indecisive
-stop getting jealous of every girl she hangs out with because I have to remember, I NO LONGER OWN HER
-be happy

Point number ten: stop dreaming.

I thought I got over you. But when I saw you today, it felt really really weird. And after a cacoon of self-denial, relevation dawns, I still love you. Alot. You were my friend, I loved you. You were mine, I loved you more. And now you're nothing more than a stranger, but I still love you. 

Oh god, what happened to moving on?
I can get through it, somehow. But I'll never, ever, get over it. 

I was scrolling through my blog and I realised it is lacking in colour and pictures! So tada! English is boring anyway!

AWWWWWWWWW LOVE U!

Oh te Ben and jerrys Ice cream cone part that had a sticky glue like thing there so me and Denise ate around it.

Hahaha is this the one you say you look like a tranny?

PICTURE NUMBUH ONE

PICTURE NUMBUH TWO

And no, we refused to stop here!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH EPIC I SWEAR HAHAHHAH

I MISS MY DADDY (JO)

Hahahah I was reading tiff blog and I thought of my almighty daddy. Wahlau I can't wait for this month to end so your phone bill won't kaboom anymore and can finally SMS.): HAHA AND OMG U HAVE THE WORST TASTE EVER! hahaha you were like 'eh u know my bball team got this hot bung.' or smth liddat. Then I was like WHOA cuz you said hot, and somehow I trusted your taste even though I shouldve known it sucked when you said you're a sexy bomb, so I had HIGH EXPECTATIONS. then wahlau whr got hot. Only damn cute only: but not hot. So far I don't really know any hot bungs other than one or two and AHEM JO, Jarren no matter what is a sexier bomb than u!

Ok bye! Hahaha random rant!

Happy Day Maximum

I swear life is getting better day by day. 

1.)Like today was so eventful (no, I'm not being sarcastic this time round). We had mass lecture which was realy fun. Like we took half a period to file IMO the auditorium and then when she was checking whether we were in out respective classes, all the other classes weren't. Except 3I, which went like 'yayyyy' in a damn lame an tired voice haha. And omfg TYH laughed hahah I thought her Botox was too taut.

2.) I stayed back for Chinese mock oral which when laoshi asked me how I did I went: 'erh, LIKE SHIT?' and she nodded like OMFG YOURE SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE ME.

3.) Had one and a half hour of band. WHICH WE PLAYED NICE SONGS. And it was fun staring at Alicia and Zealicia omg their expressions damn funny.

4.) Passed Celine her half her candy and she owes me sixty cents and out picture. YOU THINK YOU DAMN FUNNY ISIT? it's like she ask tiff to take and on three she freaking LIFTED ME UP AND CARRIED ME. I bet the pic damn unglam I HATE CHU. YOU THINK YOU BIG AH.

5.) Met Tiff and walked out to bus stop and made her miss 4 bus100s hahah. And when she finally was released, I missed another two and finally went home.

Cheap thrill. 

Random Verbal Vomit

Today was so eventful I went for chem and math tuition and I had lunch at subway like I always do every week and I bought candy from a cute guy at made in candy and I walked back for math after lunch and I almost got knocked down by a mysterious looking  black Lexus and then I walked found myself at starbucks which I then decided to buy a mocha frapuccino venti to award myself cause it's not every week that I get in contact with a mobile black Lexus and then after getting to tuition ten minutes late I started on my work then at 230 Kevin came which was a good thing cuz then I had an half hour of Kevin time and he sat beside me like he always does which is very cute and after that I left and went popular to get a orange pen and a grey marker and dawdled around for ten minutes then started walking to novena square to where I almost walked up an escalator of the wrong direction while replying Celine and then when I finally reached yami I bought a cup of regular peach with peach slices topping and then sat down and ate it slowly and I became a dinosaur and started to attempt terrorizing everyone but they started taking pictures of me and I as a dinosaur hated the flashes of light and ate everyone up and I turned back into a human and once again sat down to finish my yoghurt and then became a wadrobe because I am supposed to be happy and 'better off' this way and apparently should not miss my exgirlfriend that much even though today was copable cuz it rained and the entire day was awesome and if you know me well enough you should know I adore the rain while K abhors it that totally had no link but it was cuz I remembered that random SMS and Celine just called me a niaosai which I assume is birdshit haha awesome.

Today was such an exciting day. I can't wait for boring unattached accident prone Kevin filled Sunday number two.

Ps, sarcasm is not for the intellectually challenged.  

My Number One

Me: I know I was quite a bad...
Jo: No, you weren't bad...YOU WERE TERRIBLE.

Thanks ah wahlau rly man HAHAHA. That totally made me laugh alot I swear.

P.s. I'm not happy. But if you're happier this way like you said, I'm happy for you. That's a type of happiness too right? I miss you. A whole great deal. But I guess when you said we'll be better off this way, you meant it. So maybe you are. And I'm happy, really. I will always love you. I will fight. But I'm really tired. I've been fighting non-stop for awhile now. And I'm not even sure of myself. I guess me saying that I'll change is not worth anything anymore. So long, my luckless romance. 

Me.

What I like:
1.) I like waking up, and going to the yard and realising it rained last night and having the cool wind blow into my face.
2.) Opening my eyes, and seeing my red dreamcatcher right above me.
3.) Lying on the bed, and playing solitaire on my phone till I fall asleep.
4.) Being randomly messaged by old friends and then having a good old long chat.
5.) Going out for coffee and chitchat with L when he comes back and realising I got over him totally.
6.) Having your name flash up on my phone.
7.) Being called silly by you. It makes me feel loved. Somehow.
8.) Realise the beatles have been playing overnight on my hi-fi set.
9.) Wake up and sit on my bed without getting up and staring out the window and just not thinking at all.
10.) Having days when I realise that the fact that I can still lead a normal life is itself a miracle.

What I dislike:
1.) Not being replied on smses.
2.) Waking up to realise I have no text messages from friends.
3.) Realising it didn't rain at all for more than three days.
4.) Waking up and not having all the time in the world to get up.
5.) Missing you.
6.) Feeling really silly.
7.) Waking up and thinking it rained overnight when actually I left the ac on.
8.) Realising that all the shit I do is catching up with me.
9.) Crying alone in my room having no one to give me a tight hug to make me stop.
10.) Having days when I can't hide anymore from what I am, and lead a life where I'm special. In the worst way.

I realise all the things I like involve waking up. And all of them made me think of you. This is stupid. And I have no idea why I do it. But, I miss being your priority.

But there you go, now you know me.

Ape

Random Word of the Day: Ape

How apt.

But too bad it doesn't mean anything anymore. I need a tight warm hug real bad. And maybe I should stop wishing it'll come from you.

Asexual Plants.

The only reason I never confided in you was because I was insecure. I was afraid that once you found out all my flaws and how fucked up I am physically and mentally, you wouldn't want me anymore. So I didn't. I kept it to myself till I couldn't take it and Jo and Sherman happened to be there. And you get jealous. I was insecure.

The only reason I didn't want to talk to you was because I was afraid that you wouldn't want to talk to me and it would end all awkward and you wouldn't want me anymore. I was insecure.

The only reason I wanted you was cause I loved you. And that, I assumed was enough and I ended up taking you for granted and going for back up plans in case you didn't want me anymore. I was insecure.

This is so fucked up. I am so fucked up. But seriously, when you do this to anyone again, instead of telling them 1.) We're not meant to be. 2.)We're not meant to be. 3.)We're not meant to be, you might want to consider, 1.) tell it to their face. 2.) tell them the truth. 3.) maybe it is your fault a little.

I'm staying away from love.

The only three times I've loved has me really tired and on the verge of breaking. Thank you Sherman, for getting me through this.(: I can't wait to get out of cedar and start a new life where no one knows me and where my existence in school politics is nonexistent.

I don't just want to fit it. I want to blend in. What's so bad about being normal?

Wonderland

Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice: I'm afraid so. You've gone entirely bonkers. But let me tell you a secret, all the best people are.

That's really sweet.

I'm really sorry I'm trying so hard but I think this isn't gonna work anymore. I feel guilty. I'm not going to patronize you by saying it's my fault. Cuz it isn't. It's yours. It's not my fault you wanted the best of both worlds. But it is my fault that I allowed this to carry on for so long. I feel bad. It isn't fair to her either. But somehow, I'm beginning to doubt even my own choices and moral values.

Daddy's girl

You've no idea how much I would go about reffering myself to as daddy's little girl. But fuck it i'm not. Guess I've no one to blame but you. Yeah sure I'm a little mess. How much I would give just for you to give up on me you'd never know. You want mento e fair to you on my blog? Why not you go first? Not on your blog of course seeing that you're technologically incompetent. Impotent maybe. But I wouldn't like to think that far. Grosses me out to no end. Since I'm such a little mess psychologically, pls for fucks sake give up on me. I can't wait. Be fair to you? Why not just treat this nonsensical paragraph of gobbledegook like something a psychologically imbalance girl with an expandable vocabulary would say and get over it and move on with your life? But oh I forgot you barely have one. I know I'm being unfair by saying this. But thing is, I'm not complaining that you're not a good enough father. It's just that if you think what pure doing is enough, what's so wrong with me saying I try hard enough too? Truth is, everyone is human. And if my daughter ever fucks up the computer, her life and anything else or when I want a song and she tries in a grouchy mood I won't make it hard for her either, but instead say 'it's ok sweetie pie, I understand. You've tried and that's what matters.' maybe you think I'm just saying. Maybe I am. Who knows?

Xxx

the trip was a short one but it was fun Nicole lim is a chap ahgua hahah we are a perfect couple now we have five pairs of couple rings, two matching wishing bands on our ankles and matching dreamcatcher earrings and matching bracelets. I watched Alice already it wasn't great but Johnny depp was awesome. Major love.

Tuesday had full day band and omg I nearly cried tears of joy when the second hand hit 12 at 4o clock. I thought it would never end. And after that had to go home then piano then dinner with my mom and dad and Nigel kor. Hahah. It was awkward but wth my life's dominated by moments like such anyway.

Wednesday was supposed to reach school at 12 but was late by half hour ITS ALL CELINES INFLUENCE I never used to be late one. Then sat with Jesslyn who couldn't differentiate yellow from orange and Joanne or however you spell her name haha I think she's damn cute haha and Celine who is evil ok. She didn't wanna get my marshmallows for me. Oh and we saw a butterfly die in front of us. And we totally wanted to step on it cuz I told them about the butterfly effect (step on a butterfly today and three years later a million pol will be wiped out). Haha and oh after everything the stupid pain inthe ass Celine wanted her hairbands back. Two of them DUNNO SHE GOT HOW MANY HEADS ALL EMPTY ONE. and took my wallet to try to get it back. And she put it onthe sun thingy at the corridor and WAHPIANG I WAS TOO SHORT. Wanna slap her. But I still ended up with one hairband MUHAHA YOU LOUSY POK. and oh her new name is Celine Kiara Sherman Chimpanzee Paininkrystalsass Tan.

Goodbye and goodnight world, I'm sleepy.

And once again, I'm human.

lovelovelovelove ttm.

That's what I can actually rely on. Pretty pictures. Friends. And memories that'll last a lifetime.

AWWWW JO!

Just like a day ago

One year ago today, I went to the same hospital visited the same doctor and cried in front of him. Went for piano and home and called Emily, and then sat down under the table and started crying uncontrollably. 

One year later, I find myself going through the same routine and emily's still there and always answering on the 5th ring when I need her. 

One year ago, I had someone who I thought was a good friend to console me.

One year later, that good friend was gone for no apparent reason. And now I have Jo. And Jo, I told you everything. Which means I really trust you. So don't let me down.

One year ago, my parents weren't there for me.

One year later, they still aren't. 

One year ago, I couldn't stop crying forthree days.

One year later, it's the same fucking thing all over again.

Jo, thanks for being here 24/7

DAY TWO.

Since today was a boring school day, I shall blog boringly with me points numbered. Like tweets! Someone should make my tweets into a book and like give it to me on my birthday. And I should start tweeting every move of mine. Like Krystal went to the toilet. Krystal has her period. Krystal took a step. And another step. And several more. And is still not at her destination. You get the point.

1.) I reached school uber early and sat at the canteen to watch humans plus simpsons plus house. +SMS Jo and Celine (who will now be referred to as SHERMAN hahahahahahahah (private joke)) 
2.) bought a bottle of green tea to last the day and ended up lasting five minutes due to the fucking heat and my thirst. +SMS Jo and SHERMAN
3.) started on promotional vid but got distracted and started talking bout movies with anni and isabel.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN  
4.) went for break. ATE NTHING. Saw Celine the arseball who sat beside me and pushed my crossed leg down repeatedly for fun. HORRIBLY ANNOYING.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN  
5.) went back, photoshopped.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
6.) and photoshopped.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
7.) and photoshopped.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
8.) realised our video character gained centuries of age within a year and thus didn't make sense and started snorting and laughing rly hysterically.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN 
9.) cut hair.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
10.) home and gonna bathe and get ready for campfire.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
11.) campfire. I have a bad feeling about this.+SMS Jo

Conclusion: SMSING RULES MY LIFE.

I'm now slouching on the couch watching secret. And it's at the scene where he brings apples for her. It always makes me sad and wistful knowing I will never meet a guy like him. And now it's reaching the scene where he passes the note to the wrong girl. Sad once more. I have no idea how many times I've watched this show and I love it so much. Now jay just kissed the wrong girl. Bitch.

Today was boring day one. but ahh. Stupid Celine, I AM NOTYOUR BUTT! haha BITCHH. this is the evil mean bung that uses strong verbal abuse on me. Like calling me asshole, bendan, moron, old hag, AND CALLS ME HER BUTT SOMEMORE. knn so evil right. NEVERMIND I GOT HER UNGLAM PHOTO TO BLACKMAIL HER. Oh and hahahahhahahah OH YAH BREAKFAST MONEY HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. shiokkkk.

I swear my ankle is killing me. And Jo IS ANNOYING. stop insisting you're not bung lah! Everyone, go JO'S blog and tell me if she bung not!! Oh yah and she insists she's almighty somemore and that imma penguine with an e behind SHE CANT SPELL. haha fun non school days ftw.

Highlight

Highlight:
1.) highlights literally. I stumped tyh today whn she scolded me for the highlights cuz can't cover properly. AHA!
2.) this guy came to my table at macs while I was eating with ahem after ahem, and went like 'we are
doing a survey about how much the government earns monthly. It is around an eight digit sum that most probably starts with 8 or 9. The digit I chose is '9......(his number)' so what's yours? AND AFTER TWO MINUTES AFTER HIS RLY LOUSY PICK UP LINE THAT I THINK HE TOOK DAMN LONG TO THINK AND PERFORM IT, I just went 'No.' HAHA TOO BAD SUCKAH! and ahem was veh shocked that this kinda thing will still happen while ahem was thr HAHA. noob lah. Love u, -hugs.

Ps, if you want my number, no need for a long pick up line that's so gross and cheesy. Just ask! Cuz I will reject you anyway. Just a matter of wasting time or not.

Pissed

Seriously?! Yesterday I got caught for my skirt. Granted, I deserved it. And mrs tan sent me to three discipline people to get it into my apparently think skull that it was short. YAH I GET IT. and I had to walk up and down up and down with my freshly sprained ankle that was hurting like balls and I FUCKING LIMPED AROUND. and oh mrs foo says this mornig when I was meeting her, 'YOUR ANKLE WAS PERFECTLY FINE YTD WHEN I SAW IT.' HA! seriously?! Yah that totally explains why t was so swollen and red and most of all explains THE LIMP! cuz I was sound it FOR FUN! and I went to see the doctor and 9plus and came
back bout qt late and went str to sleep CUZ IT WAS A MOTHERFUCKING TIRING DAY and I'm actually human. And the next morning it occured to me I was gna have to wear slippers! And oh I HAD TO BORROW ONE FROM MY MOM CUZ ALL I HAD WAS PUMPS HEELS AND PLATFORMS. and she said it was too FANCIFUL! they are bloody normal BEACH SLIPPERS. and the pedi I did for cny was clearly visible cuz I firstly didn't think of having to wear flips flops to school an also I wouldn't have had the time cuz I had my ankle bandaged at 9plus?! And then she wants me to remove the nail polish with fucking TURPENTINE. and I have sensitive skin omfg! AND IN THE END THEY MADE ME CRY. fuckballs, thE load of you.