Wellions

verbal-v.tumblr.com
hello(:

Belief

I am extremely compelled to voice out my views here. It will be another post of verbal vomit, but ah fuck off. Seriously I don't get why the folks make such a fecking huge deal out of me forgetting something so minute and irrelevant to me. If I don't give a damn, you are encouraged to not to. I don't even believe in what you guys believe in. And the only argument the brother manages to pull out of the magic black hat this occasion, is just 'don't talk nonsense lah'. Honestly, I believe that what it actually is, is a figment of our imagination. Created to have someone rule over us, dominate us, so that we can take control of our lives. Similarly, a dominitrix (I don't know if I spelt it right.) is required for people of low self esteem to allow them to feel in control by being controlled. Hoho, the irony in things like such. It is simply a device required by us humans to heighten and increase our self confidence. Out blind and faithful obedience is what offends me so. What most do not comprehend is the fact that even a simple creation of the mind, complete reliance. In short, I DO NOT believe. Neither do I believe in miracles. But it's simply my opinion. Please disregard it if it offends you. But no seriously, if you hate it so much, simply do not proceed from the 'fuck off' portion of my post. Contrary to what your current thoughts may be, this isn't blasphemy. It is anger. Phrased in the simplest of words ever, exhausting all of me. It's simply emotions channelled through the simple medium of understating words.

And number one, I can't believe I really meant that little to you.

DREAMMMMMM

Ok I had the most bizarre dream ever. (no, zheru, it's not another Indian dream) it was about me and this pair of siblings, and we went out on a photohoot or something and then the thing was, technology was so advnced that we do not use cameras anymore but we depend on luck to have like the nicest photo imprinted on our bodies. And like the sister was a damn pretty person and the brother was mad hot (ok fine, he looked like Kevin) and then I had the nicest photo of dunno what a lavendar field on me and the sister saw it and suggested playing this stupid game which made me fall down and she accidentally stepped on the nice photo on me and had a fucking huge blue black on it which totally ruined it. And then the brother, being totally nice and hot and everything helped me up and carried me to my room (I had somehow developed a limp too) and then we started talking then dunno how he started suspecting that his sister did it deliberately and hahahha I don't remember oh yah wait he went to confront his sis and made her apologize and then ME AND HIM GOT MARRIED. ok fine this is not really that bizarre but it's nice finally to have a dream where I have like fucking good endings to my love life. It's gonna bug me like the dream of me and the paikia Jon and me and Alonso planting cabbages (don't ask).

'What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?'
'Straight?!?'

HAHAHAHAHAH.

Today Kevin came(: he looked cuter than ever. And Celine Foo AGREES THT HE IS HANDSOMEYAY!!!

Happy birthday simin(: I'm not gonna bother typing out your full name here. Heeeheeheehh! 

Simin: Oh I can play the song -insert random song name-
-starts playing-
No lah actually till chorus only lah
-continues-
Ok only one verse

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. 

Ok Jo was so nice today I shall blog about her. She couldn't meet me
after speech day. Which was quite a relief as I looked horrible in that monkey suit (band uniform). Wah I swear I almost died of shame. And laughter too when I saw mdm T in make up HAHAHA OMG blue eyeshadow to match her dress and FAKE EYELASHES. she looked like a friking tranny. Ahhh cheap thrill. Anyway so Jo said her present couldn't be kept until tomorrow so she asked for my
address and came allthe way to my house to pass me ok. THAT WAS THE NICEST THING SOMEONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME
I SWEAR. and she came with like six red and white helium balloons and one penguin head. Which I realised quite a long Ike later actually has a body. HAHA. I love helium balloons ok. Cuz I always want to suck the helium but somehow I never get to. The last time someone gave me a helium balloon as a bday present was last year. From erm well, yeah nicolenotthecousinnicole. Ugh. Ok this is my pathetic attempt at a happy post. And penguinenobody (no body) is now on the floor hahahha. Oops.

#1 When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.
#2 When she misses you, she’s hurting inside.
#3 When she says it’s over, she still wants you to be hers.
#4 When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
#5 When she stares at your mouth, kiss her.
#6 When she pushes or hits you, grab her tight & don’t let her go.
#7 When she starts cursing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her.
#8 When she ignores you, give her your attention.
#9 When she pulls away, pull her back.
#10 When you see her at her worst, tell her she’s beautiful.
#11 When you see her crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
#12 When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
#13 When she’s scared, protect her.
#14 When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
#15 When she steals your favourite jacket, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
#16 When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
#17 When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay.
#18 When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the truth.
#19 When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand.
#20 When she grabs your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
#21 When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
#22 When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
#23 When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
#24 Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
#25 Don’t let her have the last word.
#26 Don’t call her hot, but gorgeous or beautiful is so much better.
#27 Say you love her more than she could ever love you.
#28 Argue that she is the best girl ever.
#29 When she’s mad, hug her tight and don’t let go.
#30 When she says she’s OK, don’t believe it, talk to her about it, because 10 yrs later she’ll still remember it.
#31 Call her at 12:00am on special occasions to tell her you love her.
#32 Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
#33 Treat her like she’s all that matters to you.
#34 Don’t ignore her when she’s out with you and your friends.
#35 Stay up all night with her when she’s sick.
#36 Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
#37 Let her into your world.
#38 Let her wear your clothes.
#39 When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her
#40 Let her know she’s important.
#41 Kiss her in the pouring rain.
#42 When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; “Who’s ass am I kicking today baby?”
#43 After she reads this, she hopes one day you’d read it too.

10th april

Do you even remember what day today is? Seeing you only breaks my heart again. And honestly, if you don't love me anymore why can't you just tell it to me so I can give up hope once and for all? I'm so sick and tired of the scheming the hiding and the hurting. I've stopped the scheming a long time ago. But still, things never ever turn out right for me.

I've just took the extra strong cider in the fridge that was left open by bro, and I feel a little dizzy. But I like it. I'm gonna finish it soon. And the bottles so pretty! Ok actually it looks the same as any other bottle but I like glass stuff. And I have a weakness for bubbly yellow liquids inside (no, not pee). Ok I shall go finish it after I bathe. And Karl, if you want me to stop drinking your stuff, don't leave it open in the fridge. Oh and it was me who finished your barcadi that day. Sorry.

And I WILL learn alligater crawl and allegro con brio by the end of this year. ( I didn't say perfect it) but I will make myself play through it. I WILL I WILL I WILL. I will. Maybe. Okok maybe only allegro con brio. Alligator crawl is too fast and scary. BUT I WILL MASTER ALLEGRO CON BRIO. I swear I will.

New, all or nothing.

Zheru I broke the leg off our couple necklace. Too bad, creepy African man. Don't like him pls he gave Zheru a name but not me.

Ok starting anew I shall blog happy posts(:

3 more days though I don't know if you still remember. But I do.

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live
And somethin' somewhere's gotta give
A share in this relationship gets older, older

You know I'd fight for you but
How could I fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now
I want the best of you, I don't care if that's not fair

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are time it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it

Then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you could see
Those times I don't belive it's right I know it, know it

Don't make me promises baby
You never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you now
I want the best of you it's time to show and tell

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing

Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
Nowhere inside for me in your life

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never
Is it all?
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing at all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call?
You leave me here with nothing at all

Birthday Girl

I really do not want tomorrow to come. It's these two hours which suck most. I do not want to know who WOULDNT be the first to wish me on the dot of 12am. It always made me feel good having this one person I knew would wish me happy birthday at 12 exactly. Kinda made me feel like cinderella and that the SMS is the one that that made me so happy I would glow and turn into the princess that I always wanted to be. But ah, I'm quite sure that no one will wish me on the dot. Maybe you will wish me, but not exactly the spilt second it turns tuesday, 6th April.

Ah, I have no Idea what I'm gonna wish for tomorrow. Maybe just for the dream of being happy. That has everything pooled together. Tomorrow I will be lonely girl. Tomorrow I will have band. Tomorrow I will have tears of joy or sadness, I don't know. Tomorrow I will have 2.4, I'm aiming for 14, which I know kinda sucks but wtv, im a fat pig, and I'm not nicole lim Xuan that sits at a bus stop during 2.4 and take half an hour to finish it. Tomorrow is my
motherfucking birthday.

P.s. Zheru, Nat, Desiree and Jocelyn. Please tell me the cake you guys are talking about blatantly on each others facebook walls isn't mine. I AM FACEBOOK ALIVE TOO, MIND YOU. hahah you guys suck. But I love you awh. With friends like these, who needs girlfriends that actually care?

TARTS

My new found craving and obsession with tarts. No, really tarts. Like the food. It looks so sweet and dainty. But it's quite gross tasting actually.

To keep the equilibrum in my life, i have a constant need to SMS frequently or I'll start tapping away on my notes into a blog post. Today te people that I smsed were mainly Celine and Jo. As usual. WAIT WAIT I MEANT SHERMAN omg Sherman sounds damn sexy I swear. Oh yah I still have your hairband. I'll give it back to you after you develop the photo in which you grabbed me and carried me up with your bony arms omg damn pain ok. Cuz I wanna see how unglam I can look. And the day after tomorrow is KEVIN DAY! omg can't wait. And for gods sake, Kevin is not the biggest loser one it's the damn sexy Kevin. Jo, if you come for
Sunday tuition you'd know what I mean alr.

I have a secret, I used to like flexing my thumbs cuz somehow when I don't do anything with my fingers it's starts to itch and I'll keep stretchig it till it hurts. And maybe that's why I love to play the piano so much. And I like being in charge. I like being the one in control. Strawberry fields forever. Ok imma go gave dinner now and go
watch a movie later. I hope that the person that will be watchig with me will shut up CUZ I HAVE HEARD HER VOICE FOR THE WHOLE DAY SO ANNOYING HAHAHAHA.

To my number one.

'I once called 56 Lauren Bells till I got the right one. My point is, if a guy wants to see you, he'll do anything to make sure of it.'

So maybe the reason you're not even trying means you don't want me. Simple as that. Don't say I didn't try. Everyone is convincing me to let go if it's not worth it. Shafena, Celine, Tiffany, Jorinda. So maybe you're not worth it. But please don't prove me right. 

I should:

-stop falling in love with you over and over again
-stop dreaming that one day you'd come and rescue me when I'm exceptionally low and grab me by the wrist and tell me you love me an make me feel like the happiest girl alive
-get over you
-finally understand that dreamers do not get far
-stop loving you
-stop moodswinging
-stop being indecisive
-stop getting jealous of every girl she hangs out with because I have to remember, I NO LONGER OWN HER
-be happy

Point number ten: stop dreaming.

I thought I got over you. But when I saw you today, it felt really really weird. And after a cacoon of self-denial, relevation dawns, I still love you. Alot. You were my friend, I loved you. You were mine, I loved you more. And now you're nothing more than a stranger, but I still love you. 

Oh god, what happened to moving on?
I can get through it, somehow. But I'll never, ever, get over it. 

I was scrolling through my blog and I realised it is lacking in colour and pictures! So tada! English is boring anyway!

AWWWWWWWWW LOVE U!

Oh te Ben and jerrys Ice cream cone part that had a sticky glue like thing there so me and Denise ate around it.

Hahaha is this the one you say you look like a tranny?

PICTURE NUMBUH ONE

PICTURE NUMBUH TWO

And no, we refused to stop here!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH EPIC I SWEAR HAHAHHAH

I MISS MY DADDY (JO)

Hahahah I was reading tiff blog and I thought of my almighty daddy. Wahlau I can't wait for this month to end so your phone bill won't kaboom anymore and can finally SMS.): HAHA AND OMG U HAVE THE WORST TASTE EVER! hahaha you were like 'eh u know my bball team got this hot bung.' or smth liddat. Then I was like WHOA cuz you said hot, and somehow I trusted your taste even though I shouldve known it sucked when you said you're a sexy bomb, so I had HIGH EXPECTATIONS. then wahlau whr got hot. Only damn cute only: but not hot. So far I don't really know any hot bungs other than one or two and AHEM JO, Jarren no matter what is a sexier bomb than u!

Ok bye! Hahaha random rant!

Happy Day Maximum

I swear life is getting better day by day. 

1.)Like today was so eventful (no, I'm not being sarcastic this time round). We had mass lecture which was realy fun. Like we took half a period to file IMO the auditorium and then when she was checking whether we were in out respective classes, all the other classes weren't. Except 3I, which went like 'yayyyy' in a damn lame an tired voice haha. And omfg TYH laughed hahah I thought her Botox was too taut.

2.) I stayed back for Chinese mock oral which when laoshi asked me how I did I went: 'erh, LIKE SHIT?' and she nodded like OMFG YOURE SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE ME.

3.) Had one and a half hour of band. WHICH WE PLAYED NICE SONGS. And it was fun staring at Alicia and Zealicia omg their expressions damn funny.

4.) Passed Celine her half her candy and she owes me sixty cents and out picture. YOU THINK YOU DAMN FUNNY ISIT? it's like she ask tiff to take and on three she freaking LIFTED ME UP AND CARRIED ME. I bet the pic damn unglam I HATE CHU. YOU THINK YOU BIG AH.

5.) Met Tiff and walked out to bus stop and made her miss 4 bus100s hahah. And when she finally was released, I missed another two and finally went home.

Cheap thrill. 

Random Verbal Vomit

Today was so eventful I went for chem and math tuition and I had lunch at subway like I always do every week and I bought candy from a cute guy at made in candy and I walked back for math after lunch and I almost got knocked down by a mysterious looking  black Lexus and then I walked found myself at starbucks which I then decided to buy a mocha frapuccino venti to award myself cause it's not every week that I get in contact with a mobile black Lexus and then after getting to tuition ten minutes late I started on my work then at 230 Kevin came which was a good thing cuz then I had an half hour of Kevin time and he sat beside me like he always does which is very cute and after that I left and went popular to get a orange pen and a grey marker and dawdled around for ten minutes then started walking to novena square to where I almost walked up an escalator of the wrong direction while replying Celine and then when I finally reached yami I bought a cup of regular peach with peach slices topping and then sat down and ate it slowly and I became a dinosaur and started to attempt terrorizing everyone but they started taking pictures of me and I as a dinosaur hated the flashes of light and ate everyone up and I turned back into a human and once again sat down to finish my yoghurt and then became a wadrobe because I am supposed to be happy and 'better off' this way and apparently should not miss my exgirlfriend that much even though today was copable cuz it rained and the entire day was awesome and if you know me well enough you should know I adore the rain while K abhors it that totally had no link but it was cuz I remembered that random SMS and Celine just called me a niaosai which I assume is birdshit haha awesome.

Today was such an exciting day. I can't wait for boring unattached accident prone Kevin filled Sunday number two.

Ps, sarcasm is not for the intellectually challenged.  

My Number One

Me: I know I was quite a bad...
Jo: No, you weren't bad...YOU WERE TERRIBLE.

Thanks ah wahlau rly man HAHAHA. That totally made me laugh alot I swear.

P.s. I'm not happy. But if you're happier this way like you said, I'm happy for you. That's a type of happiness too right? I miss you. A whole great deal. But I guess when you said we'll be better off this way, you meant it. So maybe you are. And I'm happy, really. I will always love you. I will fight. But I'm really tired. I've been fighting non-stop for awhile now. And I'm not even sure of myself. I guess me saying that I'll change is not worth anything anymore. So long, my luckless romance. 

Me.

What I like:
1.) I like waking up, and going to the yard and realising it rained last night and having the cool wind blow into my face.
2.) Opening my eyes, and seeing my red dreamcatcher right above me.
3.) Lying on the bed, and playing solitaire on my phone till I fall asleep.
4.) Being randomly messaged by old friends and then having a good old long chat.
5.) Going out for coffee and chitchat with L when he comes back and realising I got over him totally.
6.) Having your name flash up on my phone.
7.) Being called silly by you. It makes me feel loved. Somehow.
8.) Realise the beatles have been playing overnight on my hi-fi set.
9.) Wake up and sit on my bed without getting up and staring out the window and just not thinking at all.
10.) Having days when I realise that the fact that I can still lead a normal life is itself a miracle.

What I dislike:
1.) Not being replied on smses.
2.) Waking up to realise I have no text messages from friends.
3.) Realising it didn't rain at all for more than three days.
4.) Waking up and not having all the time in the world to get up.
5.) Missing you.
6.) Feeling really silly.
7.) Waking up and thinking it rained overnight when actually I left the ac on.
8.) Realising that all the shit I do is catching up with me.
9.) Crying alone in my room having no one to give me a tight hug to make me stop.
10.) Having days when I can't hide anymore from what I am, and lead a life where I'm special. In the worst way.

I realise all the things I like involve waking up. And all of them made me think of you. This is stupid. And I have no idea why I do it. But, I miss being your priority.

But there you go, now you know me.

Ape

Random Word of the Day: Ape

How apt.

But too bad it doesn't mean anything anymore. I need a tight warm hug real bad. And maybe I should stop wishing it'll come from you.

Asexual Plants.

The only reason I never confided in you was because I was insecure. I was afraid that once you found out all my flaws and how fucked up I am physically and mentally, you wouldn't want me anymore. So I didn't. I kept it to myself till I couldn't take it and Jo and Sherman happened to be there. And you get jealous. I was insecure.

The only reason I didn't want to talk to you was because I was afraid that you wouldn't want to talk to me and it would end all awkward and you wouldn't want me anymore. I was insecure.

The only reason I wanted you was cause I loved you. And that, I assumed was enough and I ended up taking you for granted and going for back up plans in case you didn't want me anymore. I was insecure.

This is so fucked up. I am so fucked up. But seriously, when you do this to anyone again, instead of telling them 1.) We're not meant to be. 2.)We're not meant to be. 3.)We're not meant to be, you might want to consider, 1.) tell it to their face. 2.) tell them the truth. 3.) maybe it is your fault a little.

I'm staying away from love.

The only three times I've loved has me really tired and on the verge of breaking. Thank you Sherman, for getting me through this.(: I can't wait to get out of cedar and start a new life where no one knows me and where my existence in school politics is nonexistent.

I don't just want to fit it. I want to blend in. What's so bad about being normal?

Wonderland

Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice: I'm afraid so. You've gone entirely bonkers. But let me tell you a secret, all the best people are.

That's really sweet.

I'm really sorry I'm trying so hard but I think this isn't gonna work anymore. I feel guilty. I'm not going to patronize you by saying it's my fault. Cuz it isn't. It's yours. It's not my fault you wanted the best of both worlds. But it is my fault that I allowed this to carry on for so long. I feel bad. It isn't fair to her either. But somehow, I'm beginning to doubt even my own choices and moral values.

Daddy's girl

You've no idea how much I would go about reffering myself to as daddy's little girl. But fuck it i'm not. Guess I've no one to blame but you. Yeah sure I'm a little mess. How much I would give just for you to give up on me you'd never know. You want mento e fair to you on my blog? Why not you go first? Not on your blog of course seeing that you're technologically incompetent. Impotent maybe. But I wouldn't like to think that far. Grosses me out to no end. Since I'm such a little mess psychologically, pls for fucks sake give up on me. I can't wait. Be fair to you? Why not just treat this nonsensical paragraph of gobbledegook like something a psychologically imbalance girl with an expandable vocabulary would say and get over it and move on with your life? But oh I forgot you barely have one. I know I'm being unfair by saying this. But thing is, I'm not complaining that you're not a good enough father. It's just that if you think what pure doing is enough, what's so wrong with me saying I try hard enough too? Truth is, everyone is human. And if my daughter ever fucks up the computer, her life and anything else or when I want a song and she tries in a grouchy mood I won't make it hard for her either, but instead say 'it's ok sweetie pie, I understand. You've tried and that's what matters.' maybe you think I'm just saying. Maybe I am. Who knows?

Xxx

the trip was a short one but it was fun Nicole lim is a chap ahgua hahah we are a perfect couple now we have five pairs of couple rings, two matching wishing bands on our ankles and matching dreamcatcher earrings and matching bracelets. I watched Alice already it wasn't great but Johnny depp was awesome. Major love.

Tuesday had full day band and omg I nearly cried tears of joy when the second hand hit 12 at 4o clock. I thought it would never end. And after that had to go home then piano then dinner with my mom and dad and Nigel kor. Hahah. It was awkward but wth my life's dominated by moments like such anyway.

Wednesday was supposed to reach school at 12 but was late by half hour ITS ALL CELINES INFLUENCE I never used to be late one. Then sat with Jesslyn who couldn't differentiate yellow from orange and Joanne or however you spell her name haha I think she's damn cute haha and Celine who is evil ok. She didn't wanna get my marshmallows for me. Oh and we saw a butterfly die in front of us. And we totally wanted to step on it cuz I told them about the butterfly effect (step on a butterfly today and three years later a million pol will be wiped out). Haha and oh after everything the stupid pain inthe ass Celine wanted her hairbands back. Two of them DUNNO SHE GOT HOW MANY HEADS ALL EMPTY ONE. and took my wallet to try to get it back. And she put it onthe sun thingy at the corridor and WAHPIANG I WAS TOO SHORT. Wanna slap her. But I still ended up with one hairband MUHAHA YOU LOUSY POK. and oh her new name is Celine Kiara Sherman Chimpanzee Paininkrystalsass Tan.

Goodbye and goodnight world, I'm sleepy.

And once again, I'm human.

lovelovelovelove ttm.

That's what I can actually rely on. Pretty pictures. Friends. And memories that'll last a lifetime.

AWWWW JO!

Just like a day ago

One year ago today, I went to the same hospital visited the same doctor and cried in front of him. Went for piano and home and called Emily, and then sat down under the table and started crying uncontrollably. 

One year later, I find myself going through the same routine and emily's still there and always answering on the 5th ring when I need her. 

One year ago, I had someone who I thought was a good friend to console me.

One year later, that good friend was gone for no apparent reason. And now I have Jo. And Jo, I told you everything. Which means I really trust you. So don't let me down.

One year ago, my parents weren't there for me.

One year later, they still aren't. 

One year ago, I couldn't stop crying forthree days.

One year later, it's the same fucking thing all over again.

Jo, thanks for being here 24/7

DAY TWO.

Since today was a boring school day, I shall blog boringly with me points numbered. Like tweets! Someone should make my tweets into a book and like give it to me on my birthday. And I should start tweeting every move of mine. Like Krystal went to the toilet. Krystal has her period. Krystal took a step. And another step. And several more. And is still not at her destination. You get the point.

1.) I reached school uber early and sat at the canteen to watch humans plus simpsons plus house. +SMS Jo and Celine (who will now be referred to as SHERMAN hahahahahahahah (private joke)) 
2.) bought a bottle of green tea to last the day and ended up lasting five minutes due to the fucking heat and my thirst. +SMS Jo and SHERMAN
3.) started on promotional vid but got distracted and started talking bout movies with anni and isabel.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN  
4.) went for break. ATE NTHING. Saw Celine the arseball who sat beside me and pushed my crossed leg down repeatedly for fun. HORRIBLY ANNOYING.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN  
5.) went back, photoshopped.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
6.) and photoshopped.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
7.) and photoshopped.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
8.) realised our video character gained centuries of age within a year and thus didn't make sense and started snorting and laughing rly hysterically.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN 
9.) cut hair.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
10.) home and gonna bathe and get ready for campfire.+SMS Jo and SHERMAN
11.) campfire. I have a bad feeling about this.+SMS Jo

Conclusion: SMSING RULES MY LIFE.

I'm now slouching on the couch watching secret. And it's at the scene where he brings apples for her. It always makes me sad and wistful knowing I will never meet a guy like him. And now it's reaching the scene where he passes the note to the wrong girl. Sad once more. I have no idea how many times I've watched this show and I love it so much. Now jay just kissed the wrong girl. Bitch.

Today was boring day one. but ahh. Stupid Celine, I AM NOTYOUR BUTT! haha BITCHH. this is the evil mean bung that uses strong verbal abuse on me. Like calling me asshole, bendan, moron, old hag, AND CALLS ME HER BUTT SOMEMORE. knn so evil right. NEVERMIND I GOT HER UNGLAM PHOTO TO BLACKMAIL HER. Oh and hahahahhahahah OH YAH BREAKFAST MONEY HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. shiokkkk.

I swear my ankle is killing me. And Jo IS ANNOYING. stop insisting you're not bung lah! Everyone, go JO'S blog and tell me if she bung not!! Oh yah and she insists she's almighty somemore and that imma penguine with an e behind SHE CANT SPELL. haha fun non school days ftw.

Highlight

Highlight:
1.) highlights literally. I stumped tyh today whn she scolded me for the highlights cuz can't cover properly. AHA!
2.) this guy came to my table at macs while I was eating with ahem after ahem, and went like 'we are
doing a survey about how much the government earns monthly. It is around an eight digit sum that most probably starts with 8 or 9. The digit I chose is '9......(his number)' so what's yours? AND AFTER TWO MINUTES AFTER HIS RLY LOUSY PICK UP LINE THAT I THINK HE TOOK DAMN LONG TO THINK AND PERFORM IT, I just went 'No.' HAHA TOO BAD SUCKAH! and ahem was veh shocked that this kinda thing will still happen while ahem was thr HAHA. noob lah. Love u, -hugs.

Ps, if you want my number, no need for a long pick up line that's so gross and cheesy. Just ask! Cuz I will reject you anyway. Just a matter of wasting time or not.

Pissed

Seriously?! Yesterday I got caught for my skirt. Granted, I deserved it. And mrs tan sent me to three discipline people to get it into my apparently think skull that it was short. YAH I GET IT. and I had to walk up and down up and down with my freshly sprained ankle that was hurting like balls and I FUCKING LIMPED AROUND. and oh mrs foo says this mornig when I was meeting her, 'YOUR ANKLE WAS PERFECTLY FINE YTD WHEN I SAW IT.' HA! seriously?! Yah that totally explains why t was so swollen and red and most of all explains THE LIMP! cuz I was sound it FOR FUN! and I went to see the doctor and 9plus and came
back bout qt late and went str to sleep CUZ IT WAS A MOTHERFUCKING TIRING DAY and I'm actually human. And the next morning it occured to me I was gna have to wear slippers! And oh I HAD TO BORROW ONE FROM MY MOM CUZ ALL I HAD WAS PUMPS HEELS AND PLATFORMS. and she said it was too FANCIFUL! they are bloody normal BEACH SLIPPERS. and the pedi I did for cny was clearly visible cuz I firstly didn't think of having to wear flips flops to school an also I wouldn't have had the time cuz I had my ankle bandaged at 9plus?! And then she wants me to remove the nail polish with fucking TURPENTINE. and I have sensitive skin omfg! AND IN THE END THEY MADE ME CRY. fuckballs, thE load of you.

LiveJournal

When I start blogging on my livejournal, it means somethings bad gonna happen. And I have not yet decided what, but it will happen. And I will one day, say goodbye.

Knife.

Days

Azel came back ytd with husna. Major plus plus happy thing that day cuz it turned out to be a shitfuck day. So was today but today was salvaged by not crying, and Desiree Becky natalie and Zheru.

It makes me sad to know that you won't even be tr when I'm sad and you won't even know.

To breathe, we first have to release.

I think maybe seniors or people that rank higher in ways such as experience or something else are given a type of crash course or handout. All they say will always be hypocritical, shallow and mostly irrelevant. Like when you fall in and out of love, all they say will be 'you'll get over it', 'it's just a phase' and sometimes 'it's all gonna be okay'. On the contrary, me thinks not. It's been fourteen years, and I still can't decide what I want. Like times where I eat Ice cream I will be stuck with a dilema whether to choose lime or orange sorbet. But they're all sorbet, you say. And by that, you have just exhibited your depth or should I say, shallowness. And usually, I like being restricted, like having no other choice. What I like is to be in control by being controlled. No, not in the way that I need a dominitrix. Seniority is not supposed to be like this. Not supposed to be ranked by the level of superiority you allegedly self proclaim to have. You assume just because you had your heart broken one too many times, or because you are one year older, or because the school 'stalks' you, or because lots of people go after you, you assume that people pant after you. And if all you wanted was to play, youre so shallow. But it aint your fault youre shallow. But at least, when everything surfaces, when the truth comes out, you trust wholeheartedly. An if all you want to be now, is a good senior or friend, or you enjoy being on top and you think you deserve to be, do not self proclaim your superiority, keep your dignity and leave others be. Youre not superior, youre superficial. But if you were superior, you should have told me, happiness is hard. And second, don't make the same mistakes we did.

In time, we hide our lies. In lies we hide our truth. And in truth? We hide ourselves.

Note to self: Happiness is hard.

MY DADDY (I DONT CARE) BUNG IN A SKIRT

HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY:
3.) I lost my phone for about 10 minutes and ran around the whole school for that 10 mins looking for it and it was on my table. Reminds me of when I left it in the freezer.
2.) Tiffany taught me ss in 20 mins speaking rly fast and loud after we went thru 20 mins of gg in and out in and out of school. Cool kids ftw.

AND OMG THE BEST HIGHLIGHT EVAH THAT WILL LAST WITH ME FOREVER AND MADE ME SNORT OXYGEN THROUGH MY NOSE,

1.) I SAW JORINDA (the bung) IN A SKIRT IN HER NAN CHIAU UNIFORM HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA OMG EPICCCCC AHHAHA I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING AND I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE. She's my daddy btw, I'm her illegitimate child HAHAHHA BEST. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASSANDRA

Today is a happy day cuz it's cassandra's birthday! And for the girl who's like a ball of bubbles, I LOVE YOU, happy birthday(:

I dream so much and I love doing it. And sometimes when I'm sleeping I know it's a dream and I will refuse to wake up. Or if I'm at boyfs house for a nap, I get an awesome dream, he'll wake me up to go home and I'll get so pissed I'll act like a cranky bitch for the rest of the day. And him, being the perpetual nice asshole, will go 'OH SHUDDUP I'LL BUY YOU A DREAMCATCHER IF YOU WILL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.' and if only I got a dollar everytime I heard that. But you never bought it, till you flew away. And now you only come back alternate years and even though we're so far apart, we still call each other The Boyf and The Goyf. Rmb how I couldn't stop laughing at the goyf word with my annoying high pitched giggle that annoys you so much? Goodbye, this cny was fun, I admit, but I guess this is as far as it gets.

I feel so damn vulnerable just being single, I used to cry at the slightest thing cuz I knew i could rush home, log on to msn and talk to you. But now, I guess I'm more alone than ever.

I will buy everyone a dream catcher for birthdays of people who actually mean a thing to me. Happy birthday, surprise. If this still means anything, I love you, boyfz.

MLFF

I thought I could just seem pissed at you for the whole day. Just because you made me break down at my front door with no one around to help or anyone who noticed (unless the security guard was watching through the CCTV). But when you walked into class today, I immediately forgave you. But thing is, I haven't forgotten what you did even though you may have. I loved you. And for all I know I may still do. But as aforementioned, you pissed me off bad today but if I just flare up at you during like say, reccess it'll be just weird but oh wait, I may not even see you during reccess, you freaking bumblebee. Fine, go busy yourself out for all I care. This is annoying me. And I guess, a rumour would always just be a rumour.

Ps. I need a hug real bad right now.

To my little feathered friend.

No I'm not scared of you, but you just pissed me off, bad. Go on tell the world.

Ily

You confuse me with your random whims and rantings followed by your interest. You never get what I'm trying to say do you? You get only a skim of my thoughts and what I feel as you claim you don't understand what I'm getting at or what I write, you do not comprehend. Oh again with age old question and mysteries. Is it my fault your literary skills are restrained and limited? Hoho I pity you as you confrom slowly to the slaveship our school forces upon us and until we are emancipated from their vice grips, this will go on. Theoretically speaking, if I speak my mind, would you even bother to register and listen, much less have a shot at comprehending my speech and my certainly unique way of expressing woes? To be honest, my words are laced with warnings in the guise of gentle words. You just never see it. Be civilised my little feathered friend. And if you do know me well enough, I only call you my feathered friend, just so you don't know still, I'm talking about you. Your immense superficiality scares me.

You wouldn't.

Suddenly I see

"Suddenly I see (suddenly I see), this is what I wanna be."

Happy.

Confusion

I don't know who I love anymore. Or maybe, I've never loved. But please don't make me
choose, I'm only 14.

I will keep this short. Our anniversary is coming soon. But it may be when everything ends. Your insatiable hunger for more and more is revealing your insecurities. And if you claim I'm enough, what else are you still looking for so hard it causes you immense exhaustion and have not even enough time to spend with me.

This post is talking about three people. 

Shout out your name so it echoes in every room, that's what I'd do. 

xxx

Today was fun it was roses monthly outing heehe!
'hey a big empty space let's run and scream. AHHHHHHH!'
So fun!

I think I'm rly weird in the way tht before I go out everyday that I know will be epic or awesome, I will wear dailies contact lens and when I come back I will take it out, dry it into a perfect hemisphere and put it in a ziplock and label it so when I'm sad I'll look through it again and see what I saw that made me so happy and how every little thing made me giggle and smile so happily. Ok I know annoying ppl will totally start copying me and pass it off as thier ideas BOOYAH ASSHOLES!

Despondent

Despondency. Heartache. I am rather annoyed by the supposed compromise you have made. 'i'll keep this short' oh what dreadful words to hear. It's as if you aren't worth communicating with and as if your intellect are not up to theirs when in fact it's a far cry from theirs in a good way. Oh that reminds me, when once upon a time such words were used upon me for the most impractical reasons. If only I had a dollar everytime I heard that dreadful line. destroy me won't you? With the vindictive rumours you have spun and trapped me upon the web of it woven oh so intricately by you. My heart is in pieces but for all i know, that may be the way it was made. With the caprice of a despotic ruler, you shred me till I'm nothing but just pieces for you to destroy and use mercilessly. Oh how this world is filled with people with venomous thoughts. Oh my wayward girl. 

Happy birthday Natasha Tan Shi Hui(: neatest and awesomest cheer vicecapt evahhhh. <3      

Table Partners

I swear sitting with Desiree and Jocelyn is the most entertaining shit ever. Like eg when Jocelyn grabbed my hand thinking it was cuttle fish. Or when I said 'Eh careful this is my last pack of food later got double math' and then PLOP the pack or seaweed, food or wtv drops to the floor hahahha BEST.

Love.

Thoughts

In fucking tiring constant combat with the recurring memories of before fiesta  making my stomach feel so quesy as bile rises up my throat. With putrid thoughts of you that simply sickens me. Haha. How much things have changed such that you no longer succeed more than just skimming the edges of my mind with your nauseating existance. Such deception of yours which had once upon a time made butterflies flutter in my stomach. Oh you have transformed me, but to obliterate or exterminate all sources of you from my mind indeed inconceivable. Your memories are all but impervious. Oh yes indeed i've gotton through, I just never get over it.   

Boredom

Krystal: Im damn scared of heightsss KNNBBCCB
Nicole: you can trust me, if you're scared you can ask me come belay you.

AWHHHHH

anyway, I'm down to my 4th offence awesome or what? And in damn shag now like a shaggy waggy craggly dunno what.

Everyones blogging about how much they want to get out of cedar. I thought it was only me but obviously not. Is it so hard for cedar to let loose for once and let us enjoy what's left of out secondary school life without ruining as much as they can manage to? I want to talk to the principle so bad and tell her all my reasonings and what I think without having any teachers hindering me on the way. What happened to having a say? Having a life?

In this world filled with insanity coming from every existance, pain, suicide, and blasphemy. It can't help but make me think deep and wonder what's in for us? We suffer from instability, disequilibrium and impermanence. All the same but are they really? Thinking deep never helped me out before. Neither does speaking crypticly. But it doesn't maintain that level of consistancy which relaxes me no matter what simply knowing feeling and tasting whts familiar. And when the only thing that keeps you sane starts going away, and you know it, you realise you can't stop it from leaaving. And you realise..nothing. And while being filled, you will never ever find satisfaction and feel only emptier than ever. And when you end up prevaricating all in the name of supposed greater good, revelation dawns, you've fallen too deep to go back. In crosswords, the fun part is that you realise you knew something you never did know and yea you do run into some shit you think you'll never ever solve in this lifetime but If you stil with it, you'll figure it out, eventually I guess. Words like cursewords are never found in crosswords. Neither are words like go, or any other two letter words. Now the word vamoose, that's fun.

You want me to be honest? You go first.

I need to have a nervous breakdown so badly to keep myself as sane as possible and I need it soon, and of course I want to do it with you around. But do you actually care? Those little burst of tears recently are nothing compared to what i know will come soon if I receive more bullshit.

watch me break.

I'm sick and tired of trying to always live up to your expectations. And when I'm not really yours to begin with. And what's life when you're living for someone else? It's my life and that's what I get when I actually fall for the one I should never have fallen for. Wrong timing. Wrong status. Wrong sex.

Music olevels at st nics tmr. I hope I'll see Kimberly there. It'll make shit all the more interesting.

My life has been reduced to this. Authencity. Superficiality. And a fight for social status. It makes me wonder if it's all worth it, if you're worthall my efforts and time and love. But the answer stays, I'm not worthy.

I'm sick of my standard issue smile.

Let Loose

We establish our own boundaries. So why are we pushing the blame onto irrelevent factors. Today when I cried and nearly had a nervous breakdown, many came to try and console me which made me wonder, are they simply going through the motions to fufill their own need to seem to care or maybe they really do actually care. But come to think of it, when the tears dry up, does anyone really fufill what they promised initially when the tears began falling or were they yet another bout of empty meaningless promises just rambled in the spur of the moment to simply stop the flow of water? And this, no one can answer, and all we can do is sit still and wait and see if the world is really so ugly and superficial to my expectations.

Oh and Nicole lim, I found out how to blog thru iPhone alr.

MEN

two days ago i uploaded step up into my phone to ogle at channing tatum (tyler gage). two days leter i realise he's gonna act in dear john (yahlah slow lah) I WANNA WATCH.

TMD.

Suppression

I have so much anger and complaints in me that I've kept in for so long and i have no idea absolutely what to do with it. I feel like starting to rant about the hitler like uniform rules, but im pretty sure everyone has heard my take on them. the problem is i have no idea why im upset now. yes maybe i have an idea like it concerns someone whose name starts with an aphabet c and doesnt reply smses. at least when i smsed k last time, she had the decency to reply. but problem now is, she doesnt reply, and i go to sleep (when i can) irritated and discontented, and i bite my tongue to sleep, yes i hav the weirdest stress relieving habits ever, but as i always say, you're not me. but as i always try to suppress that worry that keeps floating up despite how hard i try to keep it away, it penetrates the walla that ive carefully built up over the years and it puts all my efforts to waste. it makes me question myself if what i have done is even worth it. your insatiable hunger for god know what from me is making me tire of you, and whats up with leaving me all hung up?

i miss you.

xxx

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE HENG HAHAHA

we've rly rly been through alot. girlfriend or not (not hahah) anyway, its been 3 years and it really meant alot to me. the times with mr gab the times where we squirmed our way out of trouble with mrs foo and nair in the old compound, getting to know all the little nook and cranny to hide in, and staying back after school to paint the class with spray which can be seen all the way from the pie and pathetic little drinking sessions.

happy birthday, be merry.

Friends

Four of my favourite wise men once said, 'I get by with a little help from my friends'

My very own cheerleaders.

K says:
NATASHA
MY natasha
[[NICOLE]] says:
MISS YANG
HAHAHA
eh stop it la krystal
you're mine and im yours
no others!
ALGAE says:
WHAT?
VIVIAN?
MINGZHEN?
[[NICOLE]] says:
god knows who!
ALGAE says:
AND WHATS WITH THE IM YOURS?!
[[NICOLE]] says:
HAHAHA
where's everybody?
MOMMYYYY
IT'S OVERRRRRRRRRR!
K says:
hahhahha WHAT?!?!

FUCK

FUCKING BAND AND MY FUCKING RECENT SMS FUCKING RUINED MY ALR FUCKED UP DAY.

My fanfuckingfaboulous resolutions

1, stop falling for every single taken gir-I MEAN, GUY
2, or bung
3, stop breaking up normal steady relationships and then dump the poor fellow
4, despite how fun it is
5, stop dreaming of how to kill others
6, stop stop stop stop walking down dreamers lane
7, don't make friends with fucking losers like myself
8, open up a little and stop bottling everything up (till someone complains)
9, LIVE LAUGH LOVE get laid.

10, be HAPPY.