yes,i do love you.
and yes, its in tht way.
i understand that you dont really wanna know this.
but somehow,
i want you to.
i know you may think its kinda gross,
look at yourself.
but i love you.

i really do, stop pretending.
i know you dont.

joys

whats its like

you dont know what its like

you have no idea,

how much i want to kill myself.

how much you make me feel.

you make me feel what i never thought i could manage.

i never thought i would love you.

but now i do, somehow.

you cant understand

and you pretend

you dont believe.

and when i tell you i turned just for you,

you dont accept.

next time i want to kill myself, let me.

i dont wanna fight

where happiness lasts

the days where such happiness existed and I was able to smile like my life wasn’t all fucked up and I wasn’t trying to be what I wasn’t seem unreal to me now. All of it seems like just a fleeting moment where I could lay my troubles out and share them with the entire world. Where someone could understand every word I really meant. Somewhen that know that when I say something like, I lost my flour, he’ll know that I meant I lost my grip on life. My grip on reality, and my grip on my sanity, or whats left of it.

Ever since getting into cedar, i‘ve blamed you for not helping me get out of it. Not letting me simply turn and run away. But I see that it couln’t have helped me at all. The very least was that it could delay the sadness and the hits.

Now when ever I’m alone, all I think of is how much has changed, how much I’ve loved and lost. How she unknowingly hit me in the face by trying to pretend. But I guess that’s why I like you. Cause you’re like me, trying to be something you’re not.

However, now I realize, its too late to turn back. You have your life, your love. You come and go. But do you realize what I’ll trade to be yours? Even just for a day?

All I have to say is that, me, krystal lim, has finally learnt how to love. But she just had to learn how to let go in the very same issue. I reckon that’s what I do, isn’t it?

fucking unfair

just to be like you i try so damn fucking hard. i try to do what you will do. when i get into deep shit. i think, 'what would she do?' but then i recall we have different families, different lives. sometimes, i wonder if we both actually are humans.

life's so meaningless to me now i look back and think:'whats the point?' thinking with a sgred of hope i'll get an answer soon, while i actually know it'll never come. lives screwed cause i've got no fucking one to really lean to in times of trouble. no one to cry on when the tears just cant be held back any longer. band? i'm not in syf. the whole mothafucking section is in. i'm not. along with the worst player inside. i could've got in. but he just had to audition me at my worst. the practice was made all not worhtwhile. the way the juniors look at me? i hate it, i cant stand it.

i'll die. the conversation i wished i never saw keeps coming to smash me in the face like its mocking me. so fucking tiring i do not wish to recall. so irritating. thinking of the happy times i spent makes me realise how much i want to be a furniture in your crazy life. just someone you'll think off occasionaly. but it's actually impossible.

pino's the only actual thing that seemed real. made me feel like before, made me feel real and wanted. but now, with even a simple grade 5 failed, and a theory waiting to mock e with another failure, i dont think i'll actually have anything to grasp onto anymore. everything seems so fake. so unreal i dont even believe myself. i feel stupid and helpless. i dont even think i can do it. i used to take pride in piano. as the girl with the highest grade but after wasting 2 years failing and trying, makes me think what the point actually is. and i come up with an actual blank i dont even want to begin to fanthom how it'll be if i really fail.

and everyting adds up to aaron, how i've given up so much. spent so much time. and yet you still do it, over and over. it wasn't worthwhile after all.

this time, i might actually give up.

piss me off

why does FUCKING O.P.I NAIL LAQUER TAKE SO LONG TO DRY??!!
must be imitation.

*shit. it just smudged*

TMD.

shut me out

I’m gonna let it sink in.

I’m gonna let myself rot.

I’m gonna just let go.

I’m NOT gonna look back.

Say what you want.

Spout what you like.

Don’t think twice.

Let it be.

I though I knew what the worse could be.

Never saw this coming.

So I’m gonna shut myself up.

Not gonna talk to anyone.

Not even YOU. Its all for my own good aint it?

Just let me die.

SHUT ME OUT.

P.S. stop pretending, I know it all.

I don’t really want to.

confession

sometimes,
just to stop yourself from bending,
and crying,
you start to think.
which actually makes it worse.
how it came to this?
how i dint manage to stop it?

this started since the infatuation,
the obsession,
and now,
the love.
i remember you warning me.
hey 'stay straight'
maybe thats when i changed.
maybe you should never warn me
so it would never come to this.

i have a tendency to do everything i'm not supposed to.
i guess i cant stop it,
can i?
this time, its something really outta my control,
something i dont even want to start to think about.
something thats enough to kill me.

this post?
i want you to read it,
respont to it,
or acknowledge it.
but i know that it will do me more good if you ignore me,
and maybe i'll simply give up.
even knowing you'll never really understand,
i want you to.

weird how things end up huh?

give me a kiss

Men are like parking spots,
the good ones are taken
and the free ones are handicapped.

-------------------------------

current mood?
PISSED,BORED,AMUSED,DERANGED

current music?
ne-yo,mad

current place?
bed-fucking-room,where else?

current status?
a motha-fuckin bi.

yes, that was true.
oh, did i mention?
i'm a cupboard.
disguised as a shoebox,
living in a human host.

WHAT??
THIS IS A TALL TALE?
no. what do you mean that you dont believe me??

what do you mean,
that this is even more unbelievable
than me telling you that i actually am i fucking bisexual?

Give me a minute.

I couldn’t find the white shoebox.

Oh, there it is.

Now I’m gonna crawl in and close the lid tightly over me.

Once again,

I’m not coming out.

OH!

*pant pant*

abit hard to breathe.

i'll poke holes..

CLARIFICATIONS!!!!

sheesh
this got me a tad riled up.

firstly
i wasnt tryna perfect the EK SMILE
i just woke up,
for the love of god!

of course my eyes will be small.
fuck.
she knew 'she' reads the blog sometimes.

abit like gabriel ehxzs?
if you did read tht zheru post,
pls read this!!!!!!!
will post 'gathering pics'
tomols.
its late gna sleep

sexuality

i've been scared.
i've been hiding.
and now,
i still will continue to hide.

see that big white shoebox over there??
i'm gonna crawl in there,
and close the lid tight over me and not come out anymore.

the orion, MY orion

Eight stars pin
his frame
to the night.

He lies just above
the trainyard,
almost ready
to rouse.

Not quite yet.

Eight silent silver bells
take all evening
to stand
just as our star
fades him
back to sky.

----------------------------------------------------------

i enjoyd the lj totally
seeing all the things i've been thru since
all i've beared with
all i've pulled thru,
you friends are a miracle

florence-thanks for letting me bunk with you,
consoling me when i'm crying hugging me when i need it

nadiah-hugging me tight when i startd crying and running outta the room without a reason

dayna-wiping away my tears and making me laugh like crazy,
AND STOPPING ME FROM KILLING MY PARENTS.

zheru-making me scared by shouting first

nicole-telling me ghost stories and freaking me out.

these 3 days, i love
you guys i wont trade for anything.
love you all.

*this took forever.

p.s, yes, i'm back to feeling like dying.