I will keep this short. Our anniversary is coming soon. But it may be when everything ends. Your insatiable hunger for more and more is revealing your insecurities. And if you claim I'm enough, what else are you still looking for so hard it causes you immense exhaustion and have not even enough time to spend with me.

This post is talking about three people. 

Shout out your name so it echoes in every room, that's what I'd do. 

xxx

Today was fun it was roses monthly outing heehe!
'hey a big empty space let's run and scream. AHHHHHHH!'
So fun!

I think I'm rly weird in the way tht before I go out everyday that I know will be epic or awesome, I will wear dailies contact lens and when I come back I will take it out, dry it into a perfect hemisphere and put it in a ziplock and label it so when I'm sad I'll look through it again and see what I saw that made me so happy and how every little thing made me giggle and smile so happily. Ok I know annoying ppl will totally start copying me and pass it off as thier ideas BOOYAH ASSHOLES!

Despondent

Despondency. Heartache. I am rather annoyed by the supposed compromise you have made. 'i'll keep this short' oh what dreadful words to hear. It's as if you aren't worth communicating with and as if your intellect are not up to theirs when in fact it's a far cry from theirs in a good way. Oh that reminds me, when once upon a time such words were used upon me for the most impractical reasons. If only I had a dollar everytime I heard that dreadful line. destroy me won't you? With the vindictive rumours you have spun and trapped me upon the web of it woven oh so intricately by you. My heart is in pieces but for all i know, that may be the way it was made. With the caprice of a despotic ruler, you shred me till I'm nothing but just pieces for you to destroy and use mercilessly. Oh how this world is filled with people with venomous thoughts. Oh my wayward girl. 

Happy birthday Natasha Tan Shi Hui(: neatest and awesomest cheer vicecapt evahhhh. <3      

Table Partners

I swear sitting with Desiree and Jocelyn is the most entertaining shit ever. Like eg when Jocelyn grabbed my hand thinking it was cuttle fish. Or when I said 'Eh careful this is my last pack of food later got double math' and then PLOP the pack or seaweed, food or wtv drops to the floor hahahha BEST.

Love.

Thoughts

In fucking tiring constant combat with the recurring memories of before fiesta  making my stomach feel so quesy as bile rises up my throat. With putrid thoughts of you that simply sickens me. Haha. How much things have changed such that you no longer succeed more than just skimming the edges of my mind with your nauseating existance. Such deception of yours which had once upon a time made butterflies flutter in my stomach. Oh you have transformed me, but to obliterate or exterminate all sources of you from my mind indeed inconceivable. Your memories are all but impervious. Oh yes indeed i've gotton through, I just never get over it.   

Boredom

Krystal: Im damn scared of heightsss KNNBBCCB
Nicole: you can trust me, if you're scared you can ask me come belay you.

AWHHHHH

anyway, I'm down to my 4th offence awesome or what? And in damn shag now like a shaggy waggy craggly dunno what.

Everyones blogging about how much they want to get out of cedar. I thought it was only me but obviously not. Is it so hard for cedar to let loose for once and let us enjoy what's left of out secondary school life without ruining as much as they can manage to? I want to talk to the principle so bad and tell her all my reasonings and what I think without having any teachers hindering me on the way. What happened to having a say? Having a life?

In this world filled with insanity coming from every existance, pain, suicide, and blasphemy. It can't help but make me think deep and wonder what's in for us? We suffer from instability, disequilibrium and impermanence. All the same but are they really? Thinking deep never helped me out before. Neither does speaking crypticly. But it doesn't maintain that level of consistancy which relaxes me no matter what simply knowing feeling and tasting whts familiar. And when the only thing that keeps you sane starts going away, and you know it, you realise you can't stop it from leaaving. And you realise..nothing. And while being filled, you will never ever find satisfaction and feel only emptier than ever. And when you end up prevaricating all in the name of supposed greater good, revelation dawns, you've fallen too deep to go back. In crosswords, the fun part is that you realise you knew something you never did know and yea you do run into some shit you think you'll never ever solve in this lifetime but If you stil with it, you'll figure it out, eventually I guess. Words like cursewords are never found in crosswords. Neither are words like go, or any other two letter words. Now the word vamoose, that's fun.

You want me to be honest? You go first.

I need to have a nervous breakdown so badly to keep myself as sane as possible and I need it soon, and of course I want to do it with you around. But do you actually care? Those little burst of tears recently are nothing compared to what i know will come soon if I receive more bullshit.

watch me break.

I'm sick and tired of trying to always live up to your expectations. And when I'm not really yours to begin with. And what's life when you're living for someone else? It's my life and that's what I get when I actually fall for the one I should never have fallen for. Wrong timing. Wrong status. Wrong sex.

Music olevels at st nics tmr. I hope I'll see Kimberly there. It'll make shit all the more interesting.

My life has been reduced to this. Authencity. Superficiality. And a fight for social status. It makes me wonder if it's all worth it, if you're worthall my efforts and time and love. But the answer stays, I'm not worthy.

I'm sick of my standard issue smile.

Let Loose

We establish our own boundaries. So why are we pushing the blame onto irrelevent factors. Today when I cried and nearly had a nervous breakdown, many came to try and console me which made me wonder, are they simply going through the motions to fufill their own need to seem to care or maybe they really do actually care. But come to think of it, when the tears dry up, does anyone really fufill what they promised initially when the tears began falling or were they yet another bout of empty meaningless promises just rambled in the spur of the moment to simply stop the flow of water? And this, no one can answer, and all we can do is sit still and wait and see if the world is really so ugly and superficial to my expectations.

Oh and Nicole lim, I found out how to blog thru iPhone alr.

MEN

two days ago i uploaded step up into my phone to ogle at channing tatum (tyler gage). two days leter i realise he's gonna act in dear john (yahlah slow lah) I WANNA WATCH.

TMD.

Suppression

I have so much anger and complaints in me that I've kept in for so long and i have no idea absolutely what to do with it. I feel like starting to rant about the hitler like uniform rules, but im pretty sure everyone has heard my take on them. the problem is i have no idea why im upset now. yes maybe i have an idea like it concerns someone whose name starts with an aphabet c and doesnt reply smses. at least when i smsed k last time, she had the decency to reply. but problem now is, she doesnt reply, and i go to sleep (when i can) irritated and discontented, and i bite my tongue to sleep, yes i hav the weirdest stress relieving habits ever, but as i always say, you're not me. but as i always try to suppress that worry that keeps floating up despite how hard i try to keep it away, it penetrates the walla that ive carefully built up over the years and it puts all my efforts to waste. it makes me question myself if what i have done is even worth it. your insatiable hunger for god know what from me is making me tire of you, and whats up with leaving me all hung up?

i miss you.

xxx

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE HENG HAHAHA

we've rly rly been through alot. girlfriend or not (not hahah) anyway, its been 3 years and it really meant alot to me. the times with mr gab the times where we squirmed our way out of trouble with mrs foo and nair in the old compound, getting to know all the little nook and cranny to hide in, and staying back after school to paint the class with spray which can be seen all the way from the pie and pathetic little drinking sessions.

happy birthday, be merry.

Friends

Four of my favourite wise men once said, 'I get by with a little help from my friends'

My very own cheerleaders.

K says:
NATASHA
MY natasha
[[NICOLE]] says:
MISS YANG
HAHAHA
eh stop it la krystal
you're mine and im yours
no others!
ALGAE says:
WHAT?
VIVIAN?
MINGZHEN?
[[NICOLE]] says:
god knows who!
ALGAE says:
AND WHATS WITH THE IM YOURS?!
[[NICOLE]] says:
HAHAHA
where's everybody?
MOMMYYYY
IT'S OVERRRRRRRRRR!
K says:
hahhahha WHAT?!?!

FUCK

FUCKING BAND AND MY FUCKING RECENT SMS FUCKING RUINED MY ALR FUCKED UP DAY.

My fanfuckingfaboulous resolutions

1, stop falling for every single taken gir-I MEAN, GUY
2, or bung
3, stop breaking up normal steady relationships and then dump the poor fellow
4, despite how fun it is
5, stop dreaming of how to kill others
6, stop stop stop stop walking down dreamers lane
7, don't make friends with fucking losers like myself
8, open up a little and stop bottling everything up (till someone complains)
9, LIVE LAUGH LOVE get laid.

10, be HAPPY.